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Agree upon a time to check in on the topic every day for minutes. The person who has been betrayed should make the decision about when to reduce the frequency of the conversations. Evaluate whether you have the capacity to forgive your partner. It is possible that the wound is too deep and that the betrayer too flawed to ever again be worthy of trust. You should also ask if your partner seems genuinely motivated to change, or just motivated not to feel guilty. Your hurt and angry feelings may make it difficult for you to read him or her correctly.

However, there is nothing more precious to us than our ability to trust our perceptions. You have the right to regain a sense of control, even if it infringes on the usual rules of relationships. After betrayal, it is legitimate to be able to look at phone records, emails, and cell phone logs in order to feel reassured that there is congruence between what your partner says and does. That may seem radical, but all bets are off after a serious betrayal.

Get help. As a result, betrayal begets isolation.

3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Aren’t Infidelity)

A betrayal may be especially damaging if it was preceded by other betrayals over the course of your life. In that case, you may be tempted to experience a recent betrayal as an expression of your fate, instead of plain old bad luck. What if you are the betrayer? Most people who have betrayed someone they love feel plagued by feelings of guilt, sadness, shame, or remorse.

Your own capacity to hurt a loved one may also damage your own self-esteem and identity. Take complete responsibility for your actions. No matter how driven you felt to have the affair, nobody made you do it. The more you blame your partner, the longer it will take him or her to believe that you are trustworthy and to want to forgive you. Assume it will take time for your partner to heal.

The Better Question: How can I help her heal?

Your feelings of guilt, shame, or humiliation may make you reluctant to raise the topic of the affair or, when raised, cause you to close down the conversation prematurely. Assume that it will take at least a year for your partner to be able to trust you again. You should be prepared to maintain ongoing, sometimes painful conversations about your betrayal. You may also need support from close friends or a therapist. Be empathic. This is because empathy is an expression of care and concern.

If Your Partner Has Betrayed You In These 11 Small Ways, They’re More Likely To Cheat

Showing that you are willing to bear your feelings of guilt, remorse, or fear of losing your partner—without blaming back or cutting off the conversation—will go a long way to proving that you are someone worth trusting again. Respect the need for new limits or rules. Your partner has good reasons to be more suspicious than he or she was prior to the event. Accept that there should now be more transparency around emails, phone logs, and so on. The less defensive you are, the more quickly your relationship will heal as trust is re-established.

Show enthusiasm for change and repair. Your partner may doubt that you want to change. If you really want to show that you are worth trusting, you will have to demonstrate that you are in it for the long haul. As psychologist Janis Spring Abrams observes in her book, After the Affair , the person who committed the betrayal may have to change jobs or even move out of the area as a way to show his or her dedication to saving the relationship.

Ultimately, we have to take full responsibility for who we choose to love and who we choose to trust.

If you frequently fail at finding people worth trusting, it may mean that early in life, your instincts were damaged by those entrusted to make you believe that the world is a safe place. If you come from a family where you were betrayed through incest, abuse, or other serious violations of trust, you may be unconsciously drawn to someone who is more likely to betray you. If that is the case, you may need professional help to understand how to leave your relationship and choose healthier partners.

On the other hand, you may create what you most fear: Your childhood traumas may have damaged your ability to know when to trust and when to be suspicious. Your vigilance against being betrayed may be so high that you are unable to get a clear read on who your partner is and what he or she is up to.

For example, one patient of mine was constantly belittled and rejected by everyone in his family. As a result, he entered his marriage with low self-esteem and an acute fear of abandonment. The weight of these emotions made him overly sensitive and angrily reactive to the slightest criticism or complaint from his wife. In addition, hurting those we love and getting hurt by them is part of the inevitable, even necessary, give and take of intimate relationships.

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Trusting our emotional well-being to another is an active process. Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is a gamble for both people. I cherish knowing that when he looks at me, I'm everything to him-that he's fully satisfied with what he sees. Come now! Is that really possible? Nancy's husband didn't think so. He claimed that while he didn't want to desire other women, he couldn't help what he liked. But we disagree totally with this guy. My husband Fred believes that although I can never look like I'm twenty again, his passion for my body can remain the same.

The Bible says so, and he's taken the following scripture to heart:. Obviously, it is possible for a man to take joy in the wife of his youth and to be always and only ravished by her beauty alone What's more, since it's God's Word that defines what normal behavior is for Christians, we're also forced to conclude that the discipline of guarding the eyes and the heart is not only possible but that God considers such discipline to be normal among His sons.

We have every right to expect normal Christian behavior from our husbands, and when we don't get it, it's normal to feel hurt and disappointment. If your husband is not leading a disciplined life, he is robbing you, so you naturally feel crushed. What other feelings will surge over you in the wake of his porn and the masturbation that follows? Anger, for one.

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When Fred's business office was robbed a few years ago, we were both furious. Why not? It's normal to be angry when you've been robbed, and so it's normal to be angry at your husband's sexual sin. You needn't apologize for that. I'm short and fat, so I can never compare to those bodies he's looking at. Worse yet, after I made my discovery, I started eating to medicate my life-is-so-unfair depression. Don't be surprised if you're feeling like an outright fool too. What could be more normal? When you find out that your husband has been secretly looking at another's bare body, you'll feel utterly blindsided.

You may even be kicking yourself for not having seen it coming, especially if your female intuition sent out early warning signals Don't be too hard on yourself. Patrick Middleton, who counsels those bound up in sexual addiction, told us, "It is not uncommon for wives to know for some time that something is wrong with their sexual relationship, but they dismiss their feelings of disconnection and shame as being crazy.

For some reason, they refuse to trust their own intuition, which is plainly telling them something is wrong. I didn't realize just how much Fred's sexual sin was rocking the foundations of our home until much later. If you ever expect to rebuild a stable life with your husband, you need to understand this clearly now.

Which brings me back to my question: what are you going to do with your feelings? If you're to get through the pain and catch the vision for your role as a helper, you might begin with a few tough and penetrating questions. For instance, what have you genuinely lost through the revelation of your husband's sexual sin?

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Think hard about what your marriage was like before you discovered his sin. I suggest that you haven't lost as much as you think, because the foundation you thought you had was never there in the first place. Was your marriage a mirage, like mine? That's not to say I didn't love my husband or that we didn't have a lot of connection and fun times.

Our marriage was good in many ways. Even in seemingly clear-cut cases of betrayal, there are always two sides.